Match Of Ze Day

I've been performing in France for a few days, meaning my first weekend sans MOTD this season. But lo! I switched on Canal+ in my hotel room on Saturday night post-gig to the familiar hubbub of fans and pundits, albeit in locquacious, hand-waving francais. I had just missed, and I kid you not, 'Match of Ze Day' (which hopefully featured Gari Linequeur et les Alains 'Ansen et Sheareur being very rude to each other and discussing le foot whilst eating some terribly rich Coquilles St. Jacques), but caught some of the following 'Jour de Foot', a round-up of all the French professional leagues. Unlike the boorish and clunky English language, where the longest sentence ever used on MOTD is when Alan H gets carried away with his description of superior teams ('they've got pace, spirit, strength, depth, passion, power, wit, grace, a set of fine teeth, a glossy coat', etc), en francais everything commentated or discussed sounds utterly artistic and creative. So to my untrained ear the pundits waxed rhapsodical about the striker rising up like a beautiful flower, tender-petalled, from the first summer rains, when they were probably arguing about whether he was offside or not.

Alors, some minor prizes:

Kit Of Ze Day: The emerald-clad St. Etienne, looking like Gallic leprechauns, shimmering away as they trounced Bordeaux. Which makes me wonder: why is green so shunned as a colour in England? Apart from the obvious potential of pitch/shirt clash, I'm sure some could get away with a zesty lime or deep bottle-green... Runner-up: the Havre AC goalie, who was kitted out entirely in brazen pink.

Most Aesthetically-Pleasing Player of Ze Day: All of the players with Arabic heritage, simply because they were noticeable in their presence. Also, the Bordeaux keeper revealed a fetching tattoo on his front upper thigh when he hitched up his shorts during a set-piece...

Quote of Ze Day: 'C'est un penalty!' purely because that was the only full sentence I understood.

Total new French words learnt: 2. But = goal Cadre = team.

SHIRTWATCH is away this week, due to inherent French lack of ability to turn up in a displeasing shirt/trouser combo.

P.S. WWFC lost twice more this week. Less a sinking stone than a particularly hard-working tilefish.*

* Tilefish, def: a 3-foot fish which burrows and excavates the ocean floor to protect itself from hammerhead sharks.**

**Also known as Leeds United.